Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Are you there, Oprah? It's me, Jenn.

I'm not really a big Oprah fan. But a few weeks ago I was home sick in bed and happened to catch her Favorite Things episode.  In case you don't worship at the Altar of Oprah, this is the episode where she gives away all kinds of really expensive stuff:  cashmere sweaters, diamond earrings, trips, fancy chocolates that cost more than my monthly mortgage payment. 

You know, all the essentials for the holiday season.

Oh yeah, and the audience pretty much goes apeshit crazy.

Like, with all forms of crying and screaming and jumping and 'Oh my God'-ing for the camera.

Just in case you haven't yet been beaten over the head with the message that Oprah is a kind and benevolent god, the show's producers cut to these audience freak-outs repeatedly to make sure you REALLY get it:

Hey!  You there, at home in your yoga pants that you don't wear out of the house because of the unfortunate seam up the front that makes it look like you have camel toe, even though you totally DO NOT, are you getting just how generous and awesome Oprah is?  Because I don't think you are.  See that lady in the second row, the one with the applique reindeer on her sweater and JC Penney elastic high-waisted pants who has just fallen to her knees in praise, THAT lady just scored a pair of $375 skinny  jeans from Jay-Z's new clothing line.  She is seriously psyched and her life is 125% BETTER now because Oprah has touched it.  Avert your eyes when Oprah appears before you! 

So there I was, in bed burning not just with a strep-throat-induced fever, but also with a raging contempt for Oprah.

What-the-eff-ever, Oprah! With all your fancy crap that regular people can't go out and buy! A $300 cashmere sweater would be on my favorite things list too if I didn't know that I could get like 25 pairs of pants at Target for that much money!  Oh my God, I need a Fribble!

There was, however, a time when I didn't feel quite so negatively toward Oprah and her favorite things.

Of course, I was pregnant then.

And, as such, under the influence of some SERIOUS hormones.

Also, I was on bed rest.  Which meant that, besides the mail delivery, Oprah had become the high point of my day.

Oh, and did I mention that the audience was filled with teachers?

Wanna guess what I had been doing for work up until the night I went to the hospital for contractions at 26 weeks?

That's right, I was a teacher.

It was like the Perfect Storm of hormonal breakdowns.

There I was, all round and pregnant and happy, with a nice big cup of hot chocolate, ready to sit and enjoy Oprah's Favorite Things episode.

Within the first minute and a half of the show, I was crying.

Oh my God, look at all of those women.  They are just SO HAPPY!  They are literally jumping for joy and hugging total strangers in their happy little bubble of delirium.  This is the most beautiful thing I ever seen in my whole life.  I love Oprah and I love all of those happy women. 

And then Oprah started the giving-away part of the show.  She held up some random item, made sure to let everyone know how much it was worth, and then told the audience, "You're all getting one!"  The women then jumped and cheered and screamed.  And cried.

And each time they cried, I cried.

Oh my God, Oprah is the nicest person ever; look how happy everyone is that they just got a $500 waffle maker.  They all love waffles so much, they are SO happy for waffles, and I am SO happy for them that they can make waffles for their families now.  What did they even DO before they had a waffle maker?  How did they get their waffles?  They didn't, not until Oprah came along and blessed them with their new incredible waffle makers.  I love Oprah and waffles and waffle-maker-factory workers and this is the best show ever, I feel myself changing because of this show; I am so totally changed now and I want to give everyone I know a waffle maker RIGHT NOW and then I want to eat a really ridiculous amount of waffles. 

This is not even an exaggeration.  My friend Erin can attest to all of this, because I e-mailed her repeatedly during the episode to share my joy. 

I cried through the entire hour-long show. 

It was weeks before I could even TALK about the episode without choking up.

That is, until the day early in January when the recycling truck took away our Christmas tree. I stood in my window and cried; it was a good Christmas tree and I had loved it, even if Santa hadn't left any of Oprah's Favorite Things under it.

And so I honored it. 

By eating a really ridiculous amount of waffles. 



  1. Another hilarious story, Jenn. You crack me up. And I share your feelings about Oprah.