Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A Letter From The Easter Bunny

Dear Child,

You may have noticed your Easter basket looks a little sparse this year when compared to years past.  After careful consideration, I have decided that you are old enough to understand the truth about The Easter Bunny's financial situation, particularly because it directly relates to the contents of this year's Easter basket.

You may not be aware of this, but times are tough where I'm from.  Santa had to lay off almost 1/3 of the toy-making division of elves and word on the street is that he's in negotiations to outsource all Letter Reading Operations overseas.  The Tooth Fairy has rolled back her payouts to 1998 prices.  Even the Leprechauns have stopped leaving gold under rainbows; they need it to cover rising fuel costs.  I'm not the only one in the industry implementing widespread cutbacks in production.

On a personal note, the economic downturn of the last few years has hit The Easter Bunny even harder than some of my colleagues.  I currently find myself upside down in my mortgage.  I've tried to refinance my hole, but the banks say it is barely worth the ground it's dug in.  Also, I'm not sure how much you know about the reproductive habits of my species, but suffice to say, your pal The Easter Bunny writes a lot of child support checks each month.

I mean A LOT.

Now that you understand the financial hardships I have been facing, I would like to direct your attention to the contents of your Easter basket.

You may note that, in years past, the bottom of your basket was lined with fake, plastic grass.  This grass was formerly made by Santa's elves as part of a summer jobs program which allowed unemployed elves the opportunity to secure off-season work.  However, over the last few years, the elves have begun to take production underground and are now charging by the ounce.  The Easter Bunny does not buy grass by the ounce.  Therefore, you will note that the grass in your basket this year is from your front yard (specifically, that now-empty patch by the mailbox).  The color and lushness of the grass is not my doing; you can thank/scold your parents and their attention to lawn care for that.

Perhaps you are thinking, "The Easter Bunny has forsaken me!  There are no toys in my basket!"  Not so, child, not so.  If you dig through the grass clumps of your basket, you will find that I have included a Classic Toy for your entertainment.  While it may appear to be a simple rock, let me reassure you that many a child has found great joy in such a gift.  This is an open-ended toy; the possible ways to use it are endless.  You can throw it, catch it, kick it, look at it, lick it (if you haven't done this yet, rest assured, you will), paint it, hide it, seek it, collect it, drop it, hold it.  The limits are only as narrow as your imagination.

Lastly, there is the issue of candy.  In retrospect, I admit that leaving you with only half of a chocolate bunny and a stale, headless peep was perhaps a poor choice on my part.  I spent a considerable amount of time trying to decide which end of the bunny would be less traumatic:  only a head or only a bottom.  I see now that neither was a particularly attractive option.  Please accept the spattering of black jelly beans as a token of my most sincere apology.

I hope that I have helped clear up any confusion surrounding the state of this year's Easter basket and that you do not mistakenly interpret it's contents as a statement on your morality/behavior these last 12 months.  Your understanding is greatly appreciated.


The Easter Bunny