Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Is That A Light Saber In Your Pocket, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

 Dear Diary,

I am in love!  His name is Luke Skywalker and he is the cutest, most mature boy I have ever met.  Not only is he cute, but he has his own landspeeder!!!  The other day I finally got to go for a ride in it when he brought me to the Toshe Station to pick up some power converters.  I asked him if he wanted to hang out after, but he had to go pick up some droids or something.  Omg, look how cute he is.  Here's his Facebook profile pic:

He got ambition, baby, that look in his eyes, this week he's moppin' floors but next week it's the fries.

I love him SOOOOO much.  Someday, we're going to have our own farm here on Tatooine and we'll have a million babies and we'll stand in the dunes every night and watch the suns set.  I am so happy!!!!

*    *    *    *    *    *

Dear Diary:

Luke has been acting super strange lately.  He's always hanging out with that crazy old guy Ben who lives in the cave.  Wtf?  That guy's a total creeper.  I don't get it. 

Maybe I should just break up with him.  IDK. 

*    *    *    *    *    *

Dear Diary, 

Seriously, I don't know WHAT Luke's deal is.  He hasn't returned any of my calls, and all of the sudden he's got pictures of himself on Facebook wearing this stupid stormtrooper uniform, like he's some sort of badass or something:

I'm a stormtrooper, mofos!

Now he's friends with all of these people I've never even HEARD of, including some chick named Leia.  Check out her profile pic:

Is that a light saber in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

Omg, who puts a picture like that on Facebook???  And she sounds totally lame, she's all "Waaah, the Empire blew up my planet" and "Blah-blah-blah, the Rebellion is so awesome" and "Got tased and stabbed with a giant needle today." 

Whatever, we all have problems, bitch.

Nice hair.

I am DEFINITELY breaking up with him.

*    *    *    *    *    *

Dear Diary:

Still no word from Luke.

Some wookie named Chewbacca keeps poking me on FB.  FML.

*    *    *    *    *     *

Dear Diary:

Luke finally called me last night.  I guess the Rebel Alliance blew up the Death Star or something like that, and all the pilots went out drinking.  He kept telling me he wasn't drunk, that he just really missed me a lot.  I could tell he meant it, I could hear it in his voice.  In fact, he was so overwhelmed with emotion that his voice sounded fuzzy and slurred.  He kept asking me to send him some naked pictures of myself and I kept telling him no, because I *just* read an article in People last week about how that's, like, a really bad idea.  But suddenly he was saying, "You will take naked pictures and send them to me" in this weirdly deep, low voice and...I dunno, I couldn't help myself, before I knew what I was even doing, I sent him the pictures.  It was like he got into my head or something.  I'm not too worried though, he told me I can trust him and that he loves me and misses me and he promised he wouldn't show them to anyone.  I totally trust him.

*    *    *    *    *    *

 Dear Diary,

 O.M.G.  I want to die.

Some little perv named Yoda somehow got a copy of the pictures I sent Luke and TWEETED THEM OUT TO LIKE A GAJILLION PEOPLE.  Then he sent me an IM that said:  "Hot, you are.  DTF, I am." 



I think something good might come from all of this.  Today I got an email from this guy named Lando.  He saw my pictures and said he thought I was really beautiful and that I should be a model.  He has a modeling agency called Modeling Agency In The Clouds (seriously, how awesome of a name is that???)  He wants to fly me up there for my very own photo shoot.

He said I could be famous!!!!  I am so lucky.

Now I'm REALLY breaking up with Luke. I think I could do better.

*    *    *    *    *    *

Dear Diary:

I just logged in to Facebook and saw THIS:

How you like me now, bitches? 



Second of all, he went and changed his relationship status to: "IT'S COMPLICATED."  OH MY GOD!!!

And third, I went through the rest of his pictures and this was totally taken here on Tatooine.  So he was here, on the SAME PLANET, and he DIDN'T. EVEN. CALL. ME. 

That's it, we are SO TOTALLY over.

*    *    *    *    *    *

Dear Diary,

Luke broke up with me today.  He called me from some place called Endor and said that things are really weird for him right now, that he's got all sorts of family drama going on and he just needs some time to figure things out. 

I can't believe it.  I totally thought that he was The One. 

I wonder if his friend Han is single...