Saturday, May 25, 2013

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby

Tonight I learned an important lesson.

It is called: When Your Son Refers To His Testicles As His Bladder, Just Let That Shit Go.

Otherwise, you will stumble into the sex talk, like THE. SEX. TALK. because, in the middle of pointing out that his bladder is actually INSIDE his body, he will say this:

"Ian said that you make a baby when a boy puts his privates into the girl's privates."

Really, would it have fucking killed you to just have been like, "Yup, that's your bladder alright, now get your jammies on"?

Apparently, you didn't learn an earlier form of this lesson when, having used the word vagina during both the 'where is your penis' and 'how does the baby get out' talks, your son somehow turned that into the word 'pachini', leading to this conversation one night when he found out you were making fettuccine alfredo for dinner:


"Oh my God, FET-A-CHEE-NI! NOT vagina!"

Instead, you're going to wind up feeling the same way you did when you walked into English class not having read the previous night's chapters of Pride and Prejudice and found out that, SURPRISE! ITS POP QUIZ DAY, MOTHERFUCKERS! and you had to hope that your teacher would maybe give you partial credit because, instead of just leaving blank spaces, you at least tried to be creative and make up weird answers involving Elvis impersonators.

Because having the sex talk when you're not ready for the sex talk is exactly like that.

It is exactly like a Pride and Prejudice pop quiz about Elvis impersonators.


  1. The thing about the sex talk is that no matter how much you think you might be ready or could be ready, if you studied, you aren't and can't be.

    Ideally you should adopt an older brother for him, much older, like 23 or something and then he can tell him.

  2. I want to outsource all of the uncomfortable and unpleasant parts of motherhood and just do the hugging and snuggling parts.

    1. Carol Ewing McLaryAugust 8, 2013 at 10:52 PM

      And that, people, is why it's great to be a grandmother!