Monday, April 15, 2013

10 Tips For Running The Boston Marathon (by a non-runner)

Tip #1: The marathon route is going to be jam-packed with other runners. Avoid the crowds; bring your GPS and take back roads.

Tip #2: Say "excuse me" when you'd like a runner in front of you to move out of your way so that you may pass him/her. Good manners are important and your mom will be proud.
Excuse me, people. You are in my way.

Tip #3: To avoid having to use the bathroom during the race, it's best to avoid all fluid intake before and during the race.

Tip #4: If you absolutely MUST have something to drink, make it whiskey, and a lot of it, as running down the street after peeing yourself is one of its widely-known side effects. Plus, you'll be drunk, so what do you care?

No to water. Yes to whiskey.

Tip #5: Run to win. Forget that nonsense about finishing being an accomplishment in itself because, honestly, winning makes for a way better story and is far more likely to get you laid. 

Tip #6:  If you're going to beat those Kenyans, you've got to run really, really fast. Not just regular fast, I mean like 'OMFG, a very hungry lion is chasing me' kind of fast.

"Get in mah belleh!"

Tip #7: Chafing sounds bad. Don't do that. 

Tip #8: It's not every day that you get to wear a tin-foil shawl, so you should consider wearing it through the entire race to maximize your shininess. 

Shine bright like a diamond. A wrinkly, crinkly diamond.

Tip #9:  Tie your shoes. I recommend a double, if not triple or quadruple knot. You don't want to trip.

Tip #10: Don't over-think your form. Aim for this method:

 Good luck, runners!

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