Tip #2: Say "excuse me" when you'd like a runner in front of you to move out of your way so that you may pass him/her. Good manners are important and your mom will be proud.
|Excuse me, people. You are in my way.|
Tip #3: To avoid having to use the bathroom during the race, it's best to avoid all fluid intake before and during the race.
Tip #4: If you absolutely MUST have something to drink, make it whiskey, and a lot of it, as running down the street after peeing yourself is one of its widely-known side effects. Plus, you'll be drunk, so what do you care?
|No to water. Yes to whiskey.|
Tip #5: Run to win. Forget that nonsense about finishing being an accomplishment in itself because, honestly, winning makes for a way better story and is far more likely to get you laid.
Tip #6: If you're going to beat those Kenyans, you've got to run really, really fast. Not just regular fast, I mean like 'OMFG, a very hungry lion is chasing me' kind of fast.
|"Get in mah belleh!"|
Tip #7: Chafing sounds bad. Don't do that.
Tip #8: It's not every day that you get to wear a tin-foil shawl, so you should consider wearing it through the entire race to maximize your shininess.
|Shine bright like a diamond. A wrinkly, crinkly diamond.|
Tip #9: Tie your shoes. I recommend a double, if not triple or quadruple knot. You don't want to trip.
Tip #10: Don't over-think your form. Aim for this method:
Good luck, runners!