Wednesday, November 2, 2011


Today is the day after the day after Halloween.  This means I've gained 17 lbs in a day and a half because I've been eating Milky Ways for breakfast.

Also for lunch. 

And possibly dinner (which I do in secret so that my kids don't know I'm eating chocolate while they're eating green beans...sometimes being the parent is actually AWESOME.)
As this week goes on, the supply of good candy is going to start to dwindle, and no matter how many times I dig through the Big Bowl O'Sugar, the inferior candy will be all that remains.  Who am I talking about?

Does anyone ever choose Junior Mints over other forms of chocolate?  Have you ever met a kid who actually LIKED Junior Mints?  When my youngest was about 3, he insisted on trying one because he was certain it was an M&M, no matter how vehemently I tried to warn him otherwise.  He popped one into his mouth, immediately spit it out, and said to me, "Mama, this M-a-M yucky."  

Yes.  Yes, it is. 

There's an unspoken understanding that exists in our society about candy:  that it will taste good.  DOTS blatantly disregard that understanding, opting to go with a plasticy-chemically taste rather than any sort of deliciousness.  Why do Americans continue to buy DOTS when they so clearly violate the standards of candy decency?  We should be ashamed.

Oh, Tootsie Roll.  I hate to be the one to tell you this, but you're the candy we eat when all other candy options have been exhausted.  You're the candy we turn to because it's late and we're craving sugar, but we're too ashamed to admit to our friends that, yeah, I hit the Tootsie Roll last night.  We feel dirty and ashamed afterwards because you're never worth the calories, you're never actually a satisfying candy experience, and yet we inevitably find ourselves reaching for you in the middle of a cold, lonely night. 

But, chin up, Tootsie Roll, because it could be worse.  You could be your unfortunate cousins:

No one eats those ever.  They go right in the trash.  Feel better, regular Tootsie Roll?  Thought so.

A final word on candy, specifically, the misnomer that is 'Fun-Size'. 


Dear Candy Manufactures:

Whoever told you that smaller = more fun has been lying to you.

Hopefully it wasn't your wife.