Friday, January 14, 2011

Age of Aquarius

Taped to the wall next to my desk is a horoscope I cut out of the newspaper last summer for inspiration. 

It says: AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): You have so many good ideas and, if you implement the ones you think you'd enjoy doing most, you will be in a much better position financially and emotionally.  There is money to be made.

Come to find out, IT'S ALL A LIE.

Thanks a lot, SUN.

YOU TOO, EARTH.

In fact, I'm pissed at the whole frickin' UNIVERSE, with it's EVOLUTION and CHANGE.

It's bad enough that I memorized 'My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets' in the 5th grade only to grow up and have Pluto be stripped of it's title of planet.  What the hell did Pluto ever do to anyone?  Did it send texts of it's junk to other planets?  Not once.  Was it indicted on charges of embezzling from one of Neptune's moons?  Nope.  Was it caught in a seedy hotel room with Uranus, snorting coke off of Jupiter's rings?  Not how Pluto rolls.

However, the heinously unjust treatment of Pluto was minor (like a dwarf-planet, yo) compared to this.

THIS is MY SIGN.

I like being an Aquarius.  Aquarians are considered to be creative, witty, intellectual, original, and independent.  All good.

Um, also, they may be a bit stubborn.

Now I'm told I'm a Capricorn.  Capricorns are supposed to be disciplined (I'm carrying 20 lbs of baby weight; my baby is FIVE, do I SOUND DISCIPLINED?), ambitious (have I mentioned the novel I've been working on for the last 5 years?  See also 'disciplined'.), organized (you DO NOT want to see my closet, something might bite you.  I'm not even kidding.), and mature.

Mature.  You know the 'beans, beans good for your heart' song?  I taught it to my sons last week.  Because I'm really so very mature.

Therefore, true to my Aquarian nature, I am metaphorically sticking my fingers in my ears, closing my eyes, and yelling, "LALALALALALA*ICAN'THEARYOU*LALALALALALA" to the astrology world.

Because I'm an Aquarian through-and-through.  And if there were any doubt, I ask you this:

Would a Capricorn notice that you only need to change one letter to turn 'mature' into 'manure'? 

Didn't think so.

  

2 comments:

  1. LOL! That was hilarious. Don't worry though, your identity wont change because some old coot says the sun was somewhere else the day you were born.

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  2. LOL!!!! Screw the universe, we know who we are! (note to self, must teach Ben the beans song....)

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