Thursday, September 23, 2010

Everybody wants to be closer to free.

He had decided I looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Which I sort of do, in that she has two arms and brown hair and I also have two arms and brown hair. 

But really, the resemblance ends there.

I think his name was Mike.  Or Ed.  He asked for my number and I gave it to him, thinking that I needed to be open to meeting All Kinds Of People.  I figured I had nothing to lose.  He was nice, he liked to read, and he had a job.  Why not?

"Jennifer Laaaaaane.  Jennifer Laaaaaaane HEW-IT" was how he greeted me when I met up with him at the bar.  Think Rob Schneider on SNL "makin' copies."

And THAT would be why not.

It wasn't that I had anything against Jennifer Love Hewitt.  It was her Party of Five character, Sarah, that I couldn't stand.

Because she was TOTALLY unworthy of Bailey Salinger's love.

I, on the other hand, was really very worthy.

Oh, Bailey.  Poor, orphaned Bailey.  I would have listened to ALL of your whining about your incredibly annoying sisters and hot brother.  And that other baby/kid, too.  I would have stayed by your side when you battled your alcoholism.  I would have Been There For You when Charlie had cancer.  I would have ALWAYS had faith in you, Bailey.  *cue a slow jam by The Cranberries*

I would have made you a seriously awesome mix tape, complete with my own (really bad) artwork.  I didn't hand out mix-tapes to any old boy, you know.  Not everyone was deemed worthy.  I put serious time and effort into the making of a mix tape, each song carefully selected for it's message, the balance of each side weighed out to give it just the right sound and feel.  The making of a good mix tape took hours to compile.  It would have been my very SOUL in music form, Bailey. 

I would have even written you a poem.  I was really good at writing really bad poetry.  Once I even wrote my boyfriend a sonnet.

Like with iambic pentameter.

And a RHYMING mothereffing COUPLET, yo. 

It was horrible.  And, in retrospect, hilarious.  And it could have been yours, if it wasn't for the Sarah-loving.

Also, the being pretend thing.  But THAT IS SO NOT THE POINT.   

I get that Sarah was cute and all that.  But honestly, didn't that doe-eyed, wholesome thing get annoying after a while?  And what the hell was wrong with the girls in your life, Bailey, that none of them could speak?  They would sputter and stammer, but between Julia, Claudia, and Sarah, I don't think you could have made a full sentence between them.  I, however, can speak in sentences that include a subject AND a predicate.

I would have been way more fun, Bay.  I would have told you dirty jokes and had Star Wars marathons with you.

Star Wars, dude.   WITH TOP GUN FOR DESSERT.

Whatever, Bailey.  You missed out.  Instead I was left to sit at a bar next to Ed.  Or Mike.

Jennifer Laaaaane.  Jennifer Laaaane HEW-IT.  Drinkin' the beers.  And losing Ed's number.


  1. Have you watched "The Ghost Whisperer" yet? Now there's a character she plays who is deserving of love.

  2. I haven't seen the Ghost Whisperer, although I did know she was on a show now that she's all grown up.