He had decided I looked like Jennifer Love Hewitt.
Which I sort of do, in that she has two arms and brown hair and I also have two arms and brown hair.
But really, the resemblance ends there.
I think his name was Mike. Or Ed. He asked for my number and I gave it to him, thinking that I needed to be open to meeting All Kinds Of People. I figured I had nothing to lose. He was nice, he liked to read, and he had a job. Why not?
"Jennifer Laaaaaane. Jennifer Laaaaaaane HEW-IT" was how he greeted me when I met up with him at the bar. Think Rob Schneider on SNL "makin' copies."
And THAT would be why not.
It wasn't that I had anything against Jennifer Love Hewitt. It was her Party of Five character, Sarah, that I couldn't stand.
Because she was TOTALLY unworthy of Bailey Salinger's love.
I, on the other hand, was really very worthy.
Oh, Bailey. Poor, orphaned Bailey. I would have listened to ALL of your whining about your incredibly annoying sisters and hot brother. And that other baby/kid, too. I would have stayed by your side when you battled your alcoholism. I would have Been There For You when Charlie had cancer. I would have ALWAYS had faith in you, Bailey. *cue a slow jam by The Cranberries*
I would have made you a seriously awesome mix tape, complete with my own (really bad) artwork. I didn't hand out mix-tapes to any old boy, you know. Not everyone was deemed worthy. I put serious time and effort into the making of a mix tape, each song carefully selected for it's message, the balance of each side weighed out to give it just the right sound and feel. The making of a good mix tape took hours to compile. It would have been my very SOUL in music form, Bailey.
I would have even written you a poem. I was really good at writing really bad poetry. Once I even wrote my boyfriend a sonnet.
Like with iambic pentameter.
And a RHYMING mothereffing COUPLET, yo.
It was horrible. And, in retrospect, hilarious. And it could have been yours, if it wasn't for the Sarah-loving.
Also, the being pretend thing. But THAT IS SO NOT THE POINT.
I get that Sarah was cute and all that. But honestly, didn't that doe-eyed, wholesome thing get annoying after a while? And what the hell was wrong with the girls in your life, Bailey, that none of them could speak? They would sputter and stammer, but between Julia, Claudia, and Sarah, I don't think you could have made a full sentence between them. I, however, can speak in sentences that include a subject AND a predicate.
I would have been way more fun, Bay. I would have told you dirty jokes and had Star Wars marathons with you.
Star Wars, dude. WITH TOP GUN FOR DESSERT.
Whatever, Bailey. You missed out. Instead I was left to sit at a bar next to Ed. Or Mike.
Jennifer Laaaaane. Jennifer Laaaane HEW-IT. Drinkin' the beers. And losing Ed's number.