Saturday, August 14, 2010

The Good Book (of Faces)

Apparently Jesus has joined Facebook.

This morning as I logged-in to the site for my daily dose of light stalking, I saw "Jesus Christ" come up on my list of Recommended Pages. 

This is that section to the right of your newsfeed where Facebook posts super-helpful  things like, "People who like Music also like Species" with a picture of a little bird (which, by the way, is a totally legit suggestion that I've received on my page numerous times, leaving me inclined to think that *sigh* my Facebook page really doesn't know me at all) or "7 of your friends like: CSI" (information that I already know because I take my Facebooking pretty seriously). 

So there it was, the suggestion that I 'like' Jesus Christ.

Talk about a high pressure situation.

What if I 'like' Jesus and then he spams my newsfeed with posts like, "I can't believe this amazing new diet supplement, I lost 12 lbs in 3 days, hurry and click HERE to get your free sample!!!!!!!!!!!!"?

I don't really want to find myself in a position of needing to unlike Jesus.

And hiding him isn't really an option because, well, he's freakin' JESUS so he'd KNOW.

(Dear Jesus, if you're reading this, sorry about the 'freakin' Jesus' thing.  I'm working on the cursing.)

(Also, sorry that I just lied right there.  I really enjoy cursing, so I guess I'm a lost cause in that department, but I pinky-swear that I will teach my kids not to...I don't even let them say 'stupid' or 'what the heck'.  That's as good as I'm probably going to get in that department). 

Even worse than the idea of being spammed by Jesus is the idea that he might write on my wall.

Because Jesus has some dirt on me.  And if I piss him off by unliking him or hiding him, who's going to stop him from posting all of my secret stuff?

Jesus Christ Remember the time you lied to your mother about visiting Julie at Stonehill for the weekend?  I do...

Being harassed by the SON OF GOD isn't really something I need in my life right now.  What would I do then, report him?  To whom? 

"Dear Facebook Customer Service:  Jesus is really being a dick and is trying to SMITE me on my wall.  Can you please disable his account?" 

Holy potential incurring of wrath, Batman. 

Coincidentally, "Wrath of God" is also something I do not need in my life right now.

I'm thinking my best course of action may be to just quietly click the little X in the corner of the page suggestion so that Jesus and his Facebook-page-of-guilt-and-spam will disappear. 

Or maybe I'll just send him a message through Facebook's e-mail:

Dear Jesus,

Welcome to Facebook!  Be careful, it's addicting.  Checked out your page, love your profile pic.  You look great!  I saw you that already have 730,845 fans.  Just so you have a handle on your competition, here's how you stack up against some other pages on the site:

watching TV:  1 million +
Twilight:  11 million +
Lady Gaga:  15 million +
The Hangover: 7 million +
drinking:  956,000 +
Starbucks frappucinno:  1 million +

You've definitely got your work cut out for you, but I suppose that's an occupational hazard when you're a deity.  If it makes you feel better, Justin Beiber only has 97,000 people liking him.  Always look on the bright side of life, right?  (Monty Python's Life of Brian:  99,928 fans.) 

Good luck with your page, Jesus. 

And stay away from Farmville.


  1. Love it! You are an excellent writer. Just put a link on my blog.

  2. Don't know how I missed seeing this one before. I always laugh out loud when I read your blog. Please write more!

  3. Jenn-

    This is the first time I read anything of your's and I am terribly sad that I have been missing it for so long. You are great!


  4. 2 years later, I agree with the above comments. Brilliant post.

    Stupendously brilliant, in fact.