Wednesday, June 9, 2010

I scream, you scream, we all scream for fellatio.

Let's talk cunnilingus.

Not, like, actual cunnilingus. 

I'm talking about the word.

Cunnilingus is just an ugly word.  It sounds like something you'd catch from not wearing flip-flops in the shower at the gym.

Example:  "I finally went to the doctor because my feet were SO itchy and red.  Turns out I have effing cunnilingus and I have to use this nasty-smelling antifungal cream for like a week."

See?  Ewwww.

Or it could be something you cough up when you have a really disgusting chest cold.

Example:  "No, I really shouldn't come to work today, I think I have a fever and I keep coughing up all this green cunnilingusy stuff.  I'm pretty sick." 

It could even pass for one of those really stinky cheeses that no one ever wants to touch or smell but that you're pretty sure the Barefoot Contessa could turn into something totally, amazingly delicious.

Example:  "Omg, Barefoot Contessa just made this totally, amazingly delicious looking pastry thing that I'm dying to make, but she used cunnilingus and I don't think they sell that at Stop and Shop."

I think I've made my point.

Nice concept, horrible name.

single Guys, on the other hand, get fellatio.

Fellatio sounds like a delicious Italian treat.  It sounds like some sort of really expensive, exquisite frozen desert that I want to eat with a teeny-tiny spoon in a small outdoor cafe in Milan. 

Example:  "You REALLY need to try the chocolate fellatio.  It's worth the calories, trust me."

Are you picking up what I'm putting down?

So I'd like to suggest that we do away with the term cunnilingus (ewww) and replace it with a word that will evoke a more positive image.  Something more feminine.  Maybe even pretty.

I mean, most people I know are fans of it.  

So how about we call it...



Seriously, doesn't that sound SO much nicer?  Doesn't that make you feel all pretty and breezy and flowery and stuff?  It's way sexier than the grungy cunnilingus (obviously a word invented by some dude who hated women).  It's a word equal in imagery to fellatio. 

Plus, it's a lot easier to spell. 

Oh, and Dad, if you're reading this...I have no idea what any of this actually means.


  1. omg, that last line seriously made me laugh out loud and ow some weird guy in the library is giving me funny looks! (yes, I'm reading your blog when I'm supposed to be writing reports for work.)

  2. LOL! How do you make these things that I'm fully aware of already HILARIOUS??? You captured the spirit of it just so---I straight up laughed out loud. Ah how I love me petalatia. Um, I mean...uh. You know what I mean. *blush*

  3. I have to stop reading your blog at work. I always am reading it early in the am when only a couple people are here and it is dead quiet - except for my loud outbursts of laughter! :0

  4. Hilarious! I'm all for Petalatia... did I spell that correctly?!!

  5. You are on the right track.... We do need to upgrade the feminine gender specific terms. I started to look up "correct" terminology and discovered that although phallic symbols abound in our society there is a definite absence or nonsense associated with the female equivalent.

    Pet as a prefix however makes me feel yucky :(

    It takes me back to the health and sex film strips of the 60's where teens are strongly cautioned against engaging in "heavy petting" as it may lead to the downfall of a generation, teen pregnancy even worse...shame !

    I like to keep pets of the couch and in the yard... ;)

    What's wrong with vulvatio ?